Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride.

So I've been in this relationship with a great guy for about 6 months now and up until about 2 weeks ago everything was going great. We're in a long distance relationship and I plan to meet him later this year. When we met and I'd asked him if he was dating anyone he honestly answered "Yeah, I'm seein' this girl." Our relationship progressed quickly and we made it official. We both understood the tremendous pressure and strain long distance puts on a relationship but decided to pursue it anyways.

He is romantic, funny, honest, intelligent, caring, family-oriented, god-fearing, and mature. All the things a girl could hope for in a guy.

About 2 weeks ago I went to his Facebook page to send him a friend request and his display picture is of him and another girl. The original picture was him by himself and he'd photo shopped her in below his picture. An obvious girlfriend status banner. I was STUNNED. It felt like my stomach was coming up through my throat. I could hardly breathe. I was so angry and hurt. I'd been deceived. I right-clicked and saved the photo to my P.C. I fought back the tears and gave myself a night to think about the situation. I decided to sleep on it and confront him the next day. I didn't really sleep much that night.

The next day I woke up early and rushed to my computer to see if he was online and he was but his status was set to "Away" I typed a message asking if he was there and he said he was. I asked if he was busy and he said not really. I asked if we could do voice chat and he said yes, as soon as he get finishes with his long distance phone call. I told him to please hurry because I really had something to tell him. I didn't let him know I was upset with him in case he wanted to avoid me.

When he finally finished the call, and we were able to talk I sent him the picture and told him I wanted to talk about it...silence. I told him how I found the picture and to explain himself and who she was. He said something very quickly and all I heard was "girl I been seeing." There was another issue I failed to mention about a comment he left for a girl on youtube and after we cleared up that matter I went back to the girl in the photo. He confessed he was seeing her. How can you be seeing her when you're supposed to be with me? I asked. He said in case he and I didn't work out. He said some things that made me angry at first. He said: don't judge our relationship by what I see on facebook, that he had no intention of returning to the U.K to be with that girl so that I should just let him be him. Then He said he was frustrated because I neglected to let him see me on webcam and he felt like we didn't have a real relationship. I apologized for that because he'd mentioned it before. Now, if he never broke up with this broad in the first place he can't use that as an excuse. Even if he did break up with her and get back with her, that doesn't excuse his behavior.

I'm still with him because I'm going on a little faith and I do believe he loves me and I believe we'll be together. I also believe he's afraid of being by himself...or being left is more like it. I do not condone cheating or being a player or whatever but I've looked at the situation from his perspective. He was in a relationship that was going well except for the fact that he met me. Seeing as how we still hadn't met face to face yet and and he'd fallen in love with me he'd become vulnerable. For all he knows, what's to stop me from leaving him on the drop of a dime? I guess he figured why mess up a relationship that's going well for something that might not be a sure thing. With all that being said I don't think what he did was okay. I'm still a little hurt and though he's promised to end things with the other girl now, I left many things I wanted to say unsaid. We don't get to have our cake and eat it too. I expected him to go into this thing head first as I did. I hope I'm not making a mistake.

These are the dog Days

Doesn't it seem like whatever can go wrong all goes wrong at one time? Im not one for complaining on and on like a spoiled, woe-is-me brat but I gotta get the lead out somehow. My mom's health is ailling her. Aches and pains. If it isn't one thing, it's another type of thing...she's pretty tough and works through it. Her arm starts killing her and she goes to the doctor only to find out she has a blood clot from an IV she had in her arm some months back. The good news is that some blood is flowing around the clot. She is prescribed these 3 little shots of cumedin or whatever it's called that I give her in her stomach. $400 for 3 SYRINGES! We cannot afford that but my mom's health is worth every penny. She is not on the shots anymore and I am hopeful that the clot will dissolve in time and not do any damage...that's the best I can hope for.

Now, apart from that, we...no I have a credit card to pay down or it's going to collections...I really don't wanna start with bad credit so early in my adult life.

On a positive note, I am thankful for life and my family & friends. Faith sustains me while I try to keep from coming unglued.

Let love in.

Yes, I am happy now. I finally found someone to make me happy. I thank God for him I really do. I had to step back and ask myself if because I fell so quickly for him does that mean I didn't really have feelings for the one before? Well, I've decided that my feelings for the other were nothing but genuine but it simply was not meant to be. I deserve someone with all the courage,strength, and passion to love me as I am. I prayed and prayed for God to give me...let's call him (Josh). Well I prayed that things would work out in my favor with Josh and when it finally seemed like it would...BOOM he had to blow it all apart and for what...I don't know and I couldn't care less. I'll always care about (Josh) as a friend for as long as we remain in contact, but I'm in love with someone else and I have a good feeling about this. All things in God's time and if it wasn't meant to be with (Josh) then it wasn't meant to be. I thought NO man could hold a candle to (Josh) then I met Will. Frankly, I'm lucky because (Josh) has some serious issues within himself.





My advise to anyone who has been hurt and is afraid to be vulnerable or love again is to love as if you've never been hurt.


"Love is when thoughts of but one man fill your heart, when he means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for him and shall die if he is taken from you. Desire is when you ache to see him and touch him, when he causes your body to burn and tremble. Desire does not demand love before it can ensnare you, but desire with love creates a powerful bond"

I'm Done.

I never thought this would happen! I met someone who is so totally amazing. I thought I'd never get over you. I thought you were the one. I was so wrong. How many tears have I wasted...cried in vain, prayed in vain. You spent the better part of a year telling me one thing and in the spanse of four days retracting it all?! Well I'm over you now. Some would say Im rushing things but I do what my heart tells me to do. I found someone with all the courage and passion to love me back and distantance doesn't matter to him.

You painted yourself "a nice guy" but you're not. I cryed, begged, pleaded with you and still you left me with tears and a broken heart. You had the audacity to come 2 weeks later and speak to me as if nothing was the matter!

You think you have a "thick skin" you don't. I tare down those walls with my words and you rebuff me because you know I speak the truth. You had no problem hurting me as long as you dont get hurt. Well now because you've callously disregarded my feelings you've lost a chance at love with me and you've lost a good friend.

I have a new love and I thank my lucky stars for him. He wants to give me the world and though I don't deserve the world, I deserve someone who thinks I do.

I'm done. It's over. Being your friend is a bigger burden than I can carry and I'm so sorry because you were a good friend to me but I want more than you're willing to give and I'd get over that if it weren't for how cruel you've been.

Goodbye.

One Day at a Time is All I can Do

Today was almost an alright day for me then I started crying tonight wondering what I did that was so wrong that you had to end our friendship as well as whatever else might have been between us.
I know I stated before that this is not about me and I wasn't going to be selfish but I really didn't do anything wrong. You think I wanna feel this way?! I know you have feels for me because if you didn't you wouldn't have said the things you did. I know you're not in the business of leading people on. Whatever this is that's going on I hope you figure it out soon. I've been a good friend: loyal, supportive, encouraging, someone to talk to and laugh with. I'm unique and one of a kind. There's a million other girls who are all the same and if you let this pass you by you'll end up with one of these cloans and you'll never really be happy.

"How could you love me?" How could you even ask me this. I love you for the same reasons why you love me! I can quote you on every word you ever said to me. Once you said " I never met a girl [girlfriend] who could be my mate too...cos that's what I want." That's the ticket right there. We're friends. You see, I could never love a guy I couldn't be friends with either. So the reasons why I love you as a friend are pretty much the same reasons why I am so in love with you romantically.

Pretty soon I'll need some answers from you. I'll need to know whether or not I can move on or keep playin the fool.

Love is not selfish

I try to put on a happy face from day to day and pretend you didn't say the things you said to me. Who has time for a broken heart now adays? Not me, that's for sure. At first I was so angry with you for saying things I knew you didn't mean. I just couldn't figure out why you'd say them. I know how I feel and I know how you feel about me so...why this emotional roller coaster? You know why I know I love you?! Because I am more concerned for your well being than I am my own I'd give up anything I own just to know you were emotionally & physically whole. I am constantly putting your wants into consideration. I pray for you more than I do for myself.

Why do you distance yourself from me? You can trust me, confide in me. Haven't you been doing so for the last nine months? I ask nothing from you. I will not ask you to sacrifice anything for me. We all have our griefs and pains to bare and if you prefer to go at yours alone that's fine but please do not push me away. I can see through your steely facade.

I was selfish. I thought this was all about me. A hundred and one questions I had:"Why me?" "What have I done to deserve this?" etc etc. It didn''t don on me that what you were saying was so out of character for you that the situation must not be about me or your ex girlfriend, it was always about you. I get the feeling you pushed me away not because you don't care, but because you wish you didn't care. Caring about someone makes you vulnerable and who wants to be vulnerable.

Do you feel worthy? Do you feel you deserve to be loved? I wish you could see yourself through my eyes...you'd realize just how wonderful you are. How we met, where we live, it doesn't matter. Love transcends it all. I didn't plan on feeling this way and if I could help it I wouldn't. I know you wouldn't either...but we do. You can try to hide it. You can try to hide from me, but your heart doesn't lie. I'm done being selfish. I wont give up on you. No matter what, I am your friend. A true friend. I'll give you some space for now but soon enough I tell you this.