Nothing Like That

This is nothing like it was in my dreams

this is nothing like it was when we first met

this is nothing like the first time my heart skipped a beat

this is nothing like the first time I saw you smile and I

was the reason why

Now is strife

now is malice

now is sadness

now is insecurity

now is mistrust

This is nothing like the first time you told me you loved me

this is nothing like the feeling you gave me

this is nothing like that game we played

no, this is nothing like that

Now is uncertainty

now is fear

now is tears

now is forced laughs

The time you'd do anything to make me happy?

This is nothing like that

Not rocking the Boat

I haven't blogged in over a year...reading my past posts makes me feel like such an imbecile for ever caring about any of the losers that I did blog about. Now Im up...it's 12:24 am and I'm wondering why I have nothing to say to him. Could be because I don't wanna rock the boat? I don't even know what we are. Titles aren't always a necessity... but how can two people say they love each other, want to be together, want to have a future together yet...we're not in a relationship?! The fuck are we doing then?

        Um...I think it's all a cop out. See, if we're not "officially" together then it's easy for him to say, "oh well we weren't really together anyways." A lot of this really doesn't make sense...i just never say anything...because like I said, I don't wanna rock the boat.

Favorite Quotes about Love

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~Neil Gaiman

"Love is… born with the pleasure of looking at each other; it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other; it is concluded with the impossibility of separation"

~Anonymous

"To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person"

~Anonymous

love

Baby when I look at you I see the reflection of who I am and who I want to be

living in you is living in a dream and fantasy world

where time holds no meaning and the moments pass away like the sighs of life's breath

holding no meaning and each one no more significant than the last

but alas my spirit cries out for more yearns for more

ever seeking to posses you and take you captive to

enchant my way into your essence as you've enchanted your way into mine

I LOVE YOU

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride.

So I've been in this relationship with a great guy for about 6 months now and up until about 2 weeks ago everything was going great. We're in a long distance relationship and I plan to meet him later this year. When we met and I'd asked him if he was dating anyone he honestly answered "Yeah, I'm seein' this girl." Our relationship progressed quickly and we made it official. We both understood the tremendous pressure and strain long distance puts on a relationship but decided to pursue it anyways.

He is romantic, funny, honest, intelligent, caring, family-oriented, god-fearing, and mature. All the things a girl could hope for in a guy.

About 2 weeks ago I went to his Facebook page to send him a friend request and his display picture is of him and another girl. The original picture was him by himself and he'd photo shopped her in below his picture. An obvious girlfriend status banner. I was STUNNED. It felt like my stomach was coming up through my throat. I could hardly breathe. I was so angry and hurt. I'd been deceived. I right-clicked and saved the photo to my P.C. I fought back the tears and gave myself a night to think about the situation. I decided to sleep on it and confront him the next day. I didn't really sleep much that night.

The next day I woke up early and rushed to my computer to see if he was online and he was but his status was set to "Away" I typed a message asking if he was there and he said he was. I asked if he was busy and he said not really. I asked if we could do voice chat and he said yes, as soon as he get finishes with his long distance phone call. I told him to please hurry because I really had something to tell him. I didn't let him know I was upset with him in case he wanted to avoid me.

When he finally finished the call, and we were able to talk I sent him the picture and told him I wanted to talk about it...silence. I told him how I found the picture and to explain himself and who she was. He said something very quickly and all I heard was "girl I been seeing." There was another issue I failed to mention about a comment he left for a girl on youtube and after we cleared up that matter I went back to the girl in the photo. He confessed he was seeing her. How can you be seeing her when you're supposed to be with me? I asked. He said in case he and I didn't work out. He said some things that made me angry at first. He said: don't judge our relationship by what I see on facebook, that he had no intention of returning to the U.K to be with that girl so that I should just let him be him. Then He said he was frustrated because I neglected to let him see me on webcam and he felt like we didn't have a real relationship. I apologized for that because he'd mentioned it before. Now, if he never broke up with this broad in the first place he can't use that as an excuse. Even if he did break up with her and get back with her, that doesn't excuse his behavior.

I'm still with him because I'm going on a little faith and I do believe he loves me and I believe we'll be together. I also believe he's afraid of being by himself...or being left is more like it. I do not condone cheating or being a player or whatever but I've looked at the situation from his perspective. He was in a relationship that was going well except for the fact that he met me. Seeing as how we still hadn't met face to face yet and and he'd fallen in love with me he'd become vulnerable. For all he knows, what's to stop me from leaving him on the drop of a dime? I guess he figured why mess up a relationship that's going well for something that might not be a sure thing. With all that being said I don't think what he did was okay. I'm still a little hurt and though he's promised to end things with the other girl now, I left many things I wanted to say unsaid. We don't get to have our cake and eat it too. I expected him to go into this thing head first as I did. I hope I'm not making a mistake.

These are the dog Days

Doesn't it seem like whatever can go wrong all goes wrong at one time? Im not one for complaining on and on like a spoiled, woe-is-me brat but I gotta get the lead out somehow. My mom's health is ailling her. Aches and pains. If it isn't one thing, it's another type of thing...she's pretty tough and works through it. Her arm starts killing her and she goes to the doctor only to find out she has a blood clot from an IV she had in her arm some months back. The good news is that some blood is flowing around the clot. She is prescribed these 3 little shots of cumedin or whatever it's called that I give her in her stomach. $400 for 3 SYRINGES! We cannot afford that but my mom's health is worth every penny. She is not on the shots anymore and I am hopeful that the clot will dissolve in time and not do any damage...that's the best I can hope for.

Now, apart from that, we...no I have a credit card to pay down or it's going to collections...I really don't wanna start with bad credit so early in my adult life.

On a positive note, I am thankful for life and my family & friends. Faith sustains me while I try to keep from coming unglued.

Let love in.

Yes, I am happy now. I finally found someone to make me happy. I thank God for him I really do. I had to step back and ask myself if because I fell so quickly for him does that mean I didn't really have feelings for the one before? Well, I've decided that my feelings for the other were nothing but genuine but it simply was not meant to be. I deserve someone with all the courage,strength, and passion to love me as I am. I prayed and prayed for God to give me...let's call him (Josh). Well I prayed that things would work out in my favor with Josh and when it finally seemed like it would...BOOM he had to blow it all apart and for what...I don't know and I couldn't care less. I'll always care about (Josh) as a friend for as long as we remain in contact, but I'm in love with someone else and I have a good feeling about this. All things in God's time and if it wasn't meant to be with (Josh) then it wasn't meant to be. I thought NO man could hold a candle to (Josh) then I met Will. Frankly, I'm lucky because (Josh) has some serious issues within himself.





My advise to anyone who has been hurt and is afraid to be vulnerable or love again is to love as if you've never been hurt.


"Love is when thoughts of but one man fill your heart, when he means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for him and shall die if he is taken from you. Desire is when you ache to see him and touch him, when he causes your body to burn and tremble. Desire does not demand love before it can ensnare you, but desire with love creates a powerful bond"